Post 122. 

Seconds before the anesthesia cut off consciousness, so that a dangerously large cyst and the perfectly healthy ovary to which it was attached could be removed, all I could picture was Ziya, laughing. All I heard in my head was her calling ‘mama, mama’, that ancient resonating hum, that sound that captures the wish for motherhood and it’s fulfillment. Having never had surgery before, part of me was calm and rational, part was scared I wouldn’t wake up. You never know, something can go wrong, and I wanted to see my baby again.

Two more days passed before I could give her what she calls ‘proper love up’. Stone brought her home asleep, when I could spend quiet time kissing her fingers and her eyebrows, and rubbing my nose against the back of her neck. The next morning, I showed her the bandage and she showed me the cut on her knee, and told me all about the debate she and some boy in school were having over the correct pronunciation of ‘cucumber’. Apparently, this is conversation by the water cooler for three year olds. It was delightful just to be with her lively mind and innocent heart. She’s gone again, to grandmothers who are keeping her while I recover.

The healing isn’t only physical. Whether it’s cysts or fibroids or cancer that causes women to increasingly end up under the knife, when you talk to them, you may also hear a lot of stress, anger, exhaustion, disappointment and worry or hurt, guilt, resentment and fear, or maybe all wrapped together into a toxic mix that seeps into our cells, adding dead weight to our bodies.

Doctors will likely disagree with me because they look for sources of illness through science and chemistry, but we can’t be well physically if we don’t also feel accepted, happy, confident, trustful and so many other emotions, because these are how our body experiences our spirit. We may think our bodies are holding up while our spirits are struggling, sad, bruised, lonely or weary, but that myth starts to shred eventually and unmistakably.

So, there is rest, good foods, fresh air, exercise and even the right drugs. Instinct tells me deeper decisions, that move beyond protective locks to honoring our sacred being, and it’s potential creativity, are now also necessary.

I can only speak for me. I’m releasing everything and everyone, whatever it takes, so that love is now all my mind, body and spirit receive. It will be safe to grow and feel joy regardless of who and what has to fall away, because that’s what I need for balance and inner sanctity.

I’m grateful I got here before a whole range of unhealthy people, places and and patterns caused more damage, and right when I have the knowledge and power to recreate new lifelines from new priorities. I’m grateful for the experience, wisdom and friendship of those who remind me what I deserve on this journey.

When you reach a point where all you want to do is wake up, you are absolutely certain that nothing matters beyond living however you have to, unapologetically. You just want to be your best self again, fearless and freed. That’s where I’m starting to heal, and how I’m going to best look after myself and the little girl who needs me to be healthy.